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Good Intentions: The Multiverse Refugees Trilogy: First Pie in the Face

by Ira Nayman

At the end of You Can’t Kill the Multiverse (But You Can Mess With its Head), Doctor Alhambra, the chief scientist of the Transdimensional Authority, set up an alarm to warn him if a universe is succumbing to the universe-killing machine that is at the heart of the story. But how would the Transdimensional Authority respond if that alarm went off?

In Good Intentions, the first book in the Multiverse Refugees Trilogy, but also the sixth Transdimensional Authority novel, we find out. In the process we not only meet the most unusual refugees in fiction (probably), learn what Noomi Rapier’s brother does (and with whom), revisit Dingle Dell, and finally discover what happened to chapter seventeen of The Multiverse is a Nice Place to Visit But I Wouldn’t Want to Live There.

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Excerpt:

Do Purple Men Sing the Oranges?

by, INDIGO HAPHAZASTANCE Alternate Reality News Service Transdimensional Traffic Writer

They’re purple, the most adolescently punctilious of skin tones. They stand between four and five feel tall, reinforcing the comparison to human youth even though they are clearly not human. They wear exquisitely tailored three piece suits on their doughy bodies – honestly, they look like elaborately produced balloon animals – and bowler hats on their bald heads. They’re so adorable, you could say that they’re to die for.

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Unfortunately, they’re all going to die before you get the chance.

They are the population of – I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to give the impression that I wanted my readers to die. There are so few of you, in fact, that’s it’s just the opposite: do you need a blood transfusion? Bone marrow? A kidney? If necessary, I would come to your hospital and force feed you Bubbe Gesundheit’s chicken soup (“Now with 27% more chutzpah!”) if your doctors thought it would keep you going for a few more days.

But enough about my desperation.

Sources within the Transdimensional Authority have told me – at great length and with much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments – other people’s garments, because the sources are on a tight budget, but, if anything, this shows just how seriously they take the situation – that the reality of Earth Prime 4-6-4-0-8-9 dash Omega is about to be destroyed. Yes, all of it. The entire universe.

It’s a really perfiddly groopinstance,” the primary source said. After wiping his lips with a handkerchief, he went on, “Sorry. I may have had a little too much ChristmaKwaanzUkah cheer. It’s a really tragic situation.”

According to – “What’s happening on Earth Prime 4-6-4-0-8-9 dash Omega, I mean,” the primary source clarified, “not what’s happening to me. That’s an unfortunate personal kroopslup, but it will soon pass.”

According to the source, Earth Prime 4-6-4-0-8-9 dash Omega has one inhabited planet, Daffodil Ceti. The Transdimensional Authority estimates that as many as 14 billion sentient beings (almost 17 billion in imperial censuses) live on the planet.

As with all newly discovered universes, Earth Prime 4-6-4-0-8-9 dash Omega is under quarantine until the Transdimensional Authority determines that it is safe, so I wasn’t able to go there and ascertain the condition of the dimension myself. However, there was nothing to stop me from looking at it using a Home Universe GeneratorTM, so I Home Universe GeneratorTMed the living daylights (the dead daylights being highly insensitive, given the circumstances) out of it.

And what I found was too adorable for words.

When asked to corroborate the news about the situation, the Transdimensional Authority’s Chief Scientist, Doctor Alhambra, responded, “Who let you in here? My office is no place for journalistic shenanigans! If you do not leave here immediately, I will call for security and have you forcibly removed! Do you hear me? Removed by force!”

It was the most he had ever said to me in all of the time I have been writing for the Alternate Reality News Service, so I assumed that everything my other source had told me was true.

Andrada Stouffle, the Minister for Transdimensional Affairs, was negotiating an important trade treaty in another reality, so she had a real, verifiable, undeniable reason to be unavailable for comment. The jerks who were actually in the Ministry’s offices in Ottawa on Earth Prime not so much.

As with any alien race, there are aspects of their culture that might seem strange to us. Their tendency to throw themselves off tall cliffs with nothing more than a small umbrella to save them, for instance. (Not to worry – they always seem to walk away from such debacles with nary a scratch on them.) Or, the fact that all of the aliens are roughly the same size and shape, which suggests either that there are no children, or that the children are born (created?) at the same size as the adults. There isn’t a race in the known multiverse that bears children the same size as adults, but there’s a first for everything; just last week, for example, Uncle Albert picked up a check. He almost immediately put it back down again, dropping it as if it had burnt a hole in his hand, but this is still progress.

Okay, aliens can be different than us, but that doesn’t make them weird,” said alien rights activist Miami Mimosa. “Well, yeah, okay, they can be weird – I mean, I don’t get the whole seltzer bottle fetish, myself, but I don’t have to! Just because they’re weird doesn’t mean we should let them all die!”

Mimosa encourages Canadians to set their Home Universe GeneratorTMs to Earth Prime 4-6-4-0-8-9 dash Omega and see the threatened alien race for themselves. “To think that such a colourful race will soon be completely gone will tear your heart out. Umm, not literally, obviously – I mean, people’s hearts being splattered all over the screens of their Home Universe GeneratorTMs won’t be of any use to anybody. What I mean to say is: can’t somebody do something?”

COLLAPSE

About the Author

Ira Nayman is a comedy writer who stumbled into science fiction 15 or so years ago and decided to hang around and see how it played out.

He is the author of six books in the Multiverse series, the most recent of which is Good Intentions: The Multiverse Refugees Trilogy: First Pie in the Face. The seventh and eighth books in the series, including the second book in the trilogy, are currently awaiting a decision by Elsewhen Press. In addition, Ira has self-published 11 books in his Alternate Reality News Service series; the most recent of these is Idiotocracy for Dummies. He is also the creator of Les Pages aux Folles, a web site of political and social satire that has been updated weekly since 2002.

In another life, Ira has a PhD in Communications from McGill University and taught in the New Media Programme of Ryerson University for five years. He is currently the editor of Amazing Stories magazine. Yes, that Amazing Stories magazine.